"Live carefree before God; He is most careful with you." 1 Peter 5:7 (The Message)
Carefree...can you imagine?
To live free without care.
I can't even fathom what that would be like. I imagine standing high on a mountain top, arms flung open, embracing the wind and the possibility. I imagine dancing, spinning, and singing, not giving a though to what those who might see me are thinking. I don't know what that feels like, I don't know what that is, but I want to.
I am a very insecure person. The polite way to say this is I am a "people pleaser." I am, always have been. I give more thought to what some stranger may think about what I am doing or saying than what I actually think about it. I am a worrier, a "stresser outer," I am he of little faith. It's true, I constantly worry over things that haven't happened, things that may or may not happen, things that didn't happen. I spend so much time stressed about the what ifs that I never truly feel like I am just living in the moment.
I worry about if I'll be able to sleep, if I drank enough water, if my car will start, if I'll get in a wreck, if I'll find a parking spot. I worry if my husband thinks I'm pretty, fat, or annoying, I wonder if he regrets marrying me. I wonder if my co-workers secretly dislike me, and talk about me behind closed doors. I worry that my parents are somehow disappointed in me. I worry if I don't answer a call from a family member if they will die, or something terrible will happen to them before I can speak to them again. I worry if it is an unknown number calling that it is bad news. I worry about where the bathrooms are in an unfamiliar place. I worry about if that stranger that just walked past me dislikes me for some reason. I worry about break-ins. I worry my dog will die while I'm at work and I'll come home and find her. And then, after all that worrying, I have to spend the next 3 hours psychoanalyzing myself, my marriage and whether or not I am a terrible person, and WHY I worry so much. And that worries me. Then I wonder if other people worry this much. Then the comparisons and shame kick in.
If you can imagine it, I've worried about it-- realistic, unrealistic, and sometimes just insane. And the thing is, I really have NO reason to worry about ANY of these things.
The saying goes, "comparison is the thief of joy," and I believe that's true. I have been letting my worry and doubt about if everyone else is doing things different, and if everyone else is better at life than me, I've let that steal my joy. But I want to try something different, I want to try living free, I want to BE free. I want to live careless before my God, because He is most careful with (crazy, fragile, shallow) me. Have you ever thought about freedom? About what it truly means? I think that is the gift our Father wants to give us, freedom to live a life without care.
"Cast your cares upon Him, for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
I want that. I want to live that. I want to try to start being a more honest and genuine person, because my worries aren't just fears, they are lies. They are untruths. They are a misrepresentation of who I am, and what I believe. If I believe that God is for me, how can I also believe that every calamity know to man will befall me before the end of day? And even if they do, what is worrying accomplishing (besides the white hairs and sleepless nights)?
I want to write this to remember how I am feeling right at this moment. To remember to be a more honest person. To be the person I know that I really am- an adventurer, a life lover, and piece of clay STILL on the Potter's wheel. I am still being shaped, I still have time to change. To proclaim this, I may not have a mountain top to stand on, but I've got a great 80s mix in the player and my dancing shoes on. Let's dance and spin before our gracious God who loves when we let Him carry our troubles. Let's be lighthearted, let's be CARELESS today.
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